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Well, my friend Mitch was right--I do have the ability of divination. Erin let me play with her crystal ball last night and it made pretty pictures in my head. Did I mention I saw Bin Laden covered in blood? The only bad thing was that I overloaded--wound up on the floor. Of course, I did try to push past the safeguards in the astral plane and go places I probably shouldn't. But I have my wings back, and I can use them, yay! They're blinding white dove wings, which says something about me. :p
The world has been odd the past few hours--time doesn't have a whole lot of meaning. Either it's gone by really slowly, or really quickly. Shiefox didn't help things much--he was drawing too much power and it fed into me and there was this whole empathic mess where we fell asleep on the couch and didn't move until 14 hours later. But that's okay. It's just something new to base my book off of. Maybe.
There are people here. I should probably get going.
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I can now say that I have many socks...although half of them will undoubtedly be lost in the Sock Zone sooner or later. I also have some new long-sleeved tops and two fuzzy angora sweaters. FUZZY!
Adam made himself a pair of goat leggings for the New Year's Eve party. Plus we got a fur blanket for the bed. All faux. But still cool.
I also got some new books and makeup that actually goes with my skin tone. So I was pleased about that. Now if only I had a laptop...
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Happy Non-Secular Holiday to everyone...happy Solstice and Yule to all fellow pagans. Really, though--Jesus was probably born in the spring; Christians just needed an excuse to celebrate the Winter Solstice on the 21st. He was just a guy, people! Oh well. There may be 2 billion of them--but there are 4 billion of us. And that says something about Buddhists and Hindi and pagans and agnostics and everyone. *grin*
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Got let out of work at 1 today, so I went to the mall and bought stuff. I love stuff.
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I never thought I'd say this, but I think a hair salon is becoming my new work haven. The temp agency sent me to a warehouse job off of Rockville Pike (I'm unpacking and re-packing health info packets 8 hours a day. Joy). Just up the road is this place called Hair Expressions; it's a salon academy where they charge student prices. Five bucks for haircuts and waxings, 20 bucks for coloring, and all retail products are always 20% off. Coolness.
I went in last week to ask about eyebrows, and a really sweet girl, a student, did them and also trimmed my hair. Yesterday I came back and got my hair dyed dark brown--Cappuchino, to be exact. Also bought a color-depositing staining conditioner and a smoothing elixer. Tres cool and such.
At the moment, I'm at home while people are out enjoying the Lord of the Rings, because the ninja's brother forgot my ticket. Oh well. The Wookie can always bring me to the theater tomorrow night or something.
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And I really don't need to go to a doctor.
After game last night I was just really tired, so I kept going to sleep, mostly on my feet, and we got to the car and then I don't remember anything except waking up on the couch at Ill Omen because Adam was holding me and slapping my cheeks and saying that if I didn't stop shaking and wake up right now he'd take me home and take me to the hospital. Not my fault. I was tired. Christ, you have a couple of little seizures and they think something's wrong. But I did say I'd go. Once my health insurance from work kicks in, I might as well go. Who knows, they may actually decide there's something there. I hate hospitals. But I'll go because he wants me to, and I love him. But there is *nothing wrong*.
I'm hunngry. I think I'll go eat a stray cat. (Just kidding, Mac).
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I'm with my favorite people, in my home away from home away from original home (translation: I'm at Ill Omen). The boyfriend is making homemade pizza and we are all reminiscing about the many instances of shame and debauchery (translation: fun in a handbasket to hell) that have earned the house its name and reputation. And I just took the Surreal Test. I'm not posting my results, because I'm having too much fun taking the test over and over and over and... Fish.

Mmmm...blackberry merlot...

Oh, and I have decided to end each entry now with a poem. These are all posted on my web page, and I will select them at random until I run out of poems or get bored of posting my poems here. And then I will write more poems and consider putting them here. So, there.

This could be dedicated to 9/11/2001, but I refuse to be commercially patriotic, so make your own interpretation.

The Brave Ones

What price we pay
What cost innocence
What graves we dig
To bury ourselves.
What world is this
Just outside
Touch forbidden
Unforgiven.
And when we die
Cut us out into stars
So that we shine
And make the world
Fall in love with night.
Bury me not in the shroud of your tears
But in the soothing soil of your soul
Where I am withered
Only to heal
In the night
At the price
Of my innocence.
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Take the What Cat Are You? test by webkin!



First I'm a naked goddess, then I'm a sleepy kitten......

Cool.
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If I were a work of art, I would be Sandro Botticelli's Birth of Venus.

I am a beautiful and alluring composition, not afraid to show off a good deal of bare flesh. People surround me and gaze at me with the adulation due a goddess and friendly breezes gently push me along my path in life.

Which work of art would you be? The Art Test



Hehehe. I had a feeling.

Turns out this data entry job is more temporary than I thought. The woman I'm covering for comes back on Monday. So at least it'll give me time to make, like, a dentist's appointment. Not to mention other job interviews. *smirk*

from work

Nov. 30th, 2001 09:39 am
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Sittin here processing Annual Progress Reports for the Department of Housing and Urban Development in DC...Special Needs Office...which basically means the homeless, mentally ill, substance abusers, and domestic violence victims. I'm entering data into the new computer system. The temp agency I'm with hooked me up for the next month. This assignment should run till 12/26, at least.

Oh, and we went to Game last night in DC--Vampire the Masquerade. We usually go to NVA. I played my quiet little Gangrel whom no one suspects of anything... *G* And Adam played his iconoclastic, eccentric scholar Brujah who wants to become Prince of NVA and change the face of the VTM game forever (In and out of character). In fact, his character just became the Brujah NVA Primogen, council to the Prince.

But I just want to say for the record that he looked really yummy last night playing Jullien August, aka Marcus Julius Aurelis (Yes...that is the Roman emperor from a couple thousand years ago. Creative liberties). He was sitting in a chair explaining to me about how Jullien wanted to bleed the Sabbat out of DC without killing them, and his blue eyes were dark and shining, and he was just really...handsome. And he doesn't even know it. I have such a yummy man.

Anyway...game was fun. Vampires good. Mmm, primogen.

If you have no friggin clue what I'm babbling about, go here:

http://www.nightfalls.com

http://www.owbn.com

And the company that started it all...
http://www.white-wolf.com

Work!

Nov. 26th, 2001 04:20 pm
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So my first day at my first temp assignment is going very well so far. In fact, my supervisor is going to try and send my resume to the head of the company so I can get in permanently into the publishing aspect as a writer/editor. But for now, I'm just doing what I can.
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So happy thanksgiving. This is my favorite holiday next to Samhain. Hanukah is third. (yay, menorahs!) Anyway, I drove up to my parents' house in Long Island--the very east end tip in Sag Harbor, NY--with Adam, Watson, and Erin. Eight house, most of it spent in Baltimore traffic waiting for the toll booths. But we got here around 3 AM, and Erin and James were so very impressed with all mom and dad's artwork. James even made dinner tonight. We're going to Montauk tomorrow; the boys will go fishing a la Billy Joel's "Downeaster Alexa" and Erin and I will go shopping. Mom bought me some cool skirts at Express so I could go to work next week. I'm with a nifty temp agency. My first assignment is in D.C. doing clerical data entry.

But this weekend has been wonderful. I'm surrounded by people I love and by the place I called home for so long. And James keeps talking about getting an apartment for the three of us. And Adam may be able to interview for a cool job or two pretty soon. Plus, one of the top editors of the Washington Post replied to my email query about editing jobs and redirected me to someone he knows who needs editors. For the moment, things are good.

Happy food coma day.
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Sorry I haven't written in so long. Sept. 22 I flew to Maryland and Adam. A week later was his cousin's wedding, which was our excuse for me to come down there. His parents still enjoy my company, and he and I are arranging a more permanent method of living. James, his best friend, is getting an apartment and wants us with him. But both Adam and I need jobs, full time. Besides, Adam is considering staying at home and paying his mom rent (I would too) so we can spruce up his bedroom. But if his mom won't let us stay by then, we'll move in with James. Adam says that by staying at home, we'd save up enough to eventually get ourselves a small townhouse. James wants us for an apartment though; he's even offering to pay rent till we get jobs. Adam is officially an A+ computer technician, and I'm looking for something in writing, editing, copywriting--even doing secretary stuff. I'm waiting on modeling jobs through the agency that I'm working with. Something will work out. It has to. We need jobs fast.

yawn

Sep. 2nd, 2001 09:58 pm
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This weekend was my relax time, I guess. I didn't do much. Adam is still waiting to hear from job offers. So am I, actually. Just for the hell of it, I read my own tarot cards. I got most of the Major Arcana (!!) but my final outcome card was the Tower, which means sudden changes, loss, broken friendships. However, the World, the Star, Judgement, and the Hermit crossed my path, so I get the feeling that I may actually get what I want, even though it will take a struggle.
I'm just hoping that "broken relationship" won't be me and Adam. I doubt it--I see no reason for either of us to back away. He hasn't pissed me off and I haven't cheated on him, and those would be the two main reasons we'd break up anyway.

I've been talking with Duo more often--my online "adopted brother" although I haven't told him I'd like to "adopt" him. I care about him in a strong, strange way. He's also a really good writer for 15 years old, if a bit angsty. I just wish he wasn't living in hell.
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Good news: Adam says he may be able to get a job after all-- a good-salary job. So my hopes are raised.

Bad news: I think Mom has been wondering if I'm anorexic. She noticed that I don't eat dinner, barely eat breakfast--I'm just not hungry. I'm starting to feel it, too. I'm down to 88 lbs. Bad me. I'm not trying to hurt myself. I'm just...not hungry. I don't know what's wrong.

Good news: Added a new section of new poetry to my webpage. And the novel is back on track! It's far from done, but it's alive again!

Bad news: Two lovers. Two states. Four hundred Miles. Going on two years. Enough said.
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I've been feeling much better. Less anxiety. Adam is re-taking his A+ certification test next week, and hopefully it'll make it easier to find a job. I've been seeking out fashion modeling agencies, asking if they accept petite female models. If not that, then I'll keep applying for technical writing jobs. Worse comes to worse, I'll sell my screenplay story. I just need the money. That's the only thing preventing me and Adam from living together in a place of our own.

I had a strange dream the other night: I met a girl my age, who was bi, and we ended up having sex at her house. We fell asleep together, and then I got up, left her room, and walked naked into another room that just happened to be Adam's. I curled up in bed with him and we made love. Sometime later, we heard a series of explosions outside. Adam got dressed and went outsdie to check in out. He was gone a long time. So I got dressed and stepped outside the house. It was like the end of the world. It was like the world was dead. The air was dusty red and there was nothing, no people. Adam was gone. I heard a cell phone ringing, and saw one lying on the ground nearby. I picked it up and heard Adam's voice say, "Don't worry. I'll come back for you. Stay where you are. I'll find you. Trust me. I love you."
I sat down on the ground to wait. After a while, I curled up and fell asleep.
I woke up from the dream feeling pretty weirded out. I told Adam about it the following night over the phone. He said it probably had to do with his giving me permission to find a girlfriend till he and I came together, my exploration of new territory; and my seeing him and making love with him was comfort and familiarity and security and love. The end--where he was gone--was my anxiety over losing him, because for me it would be like the end of the world--my world--if I lost him. And his words coming from the phone were reassuring; they meant that no matter what, he would come for me. Like Westley and Buttercup in "The Princess Bride". I cried. Again. Then we had phone sex. I'm feeling much better today.
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I've been feeling much better. Less anxiety. Adam is re-taking his A+ certification test next week, and hopefully it'll make it easier to find a job. I've been seeking out fashion modeling agencies, asking if they accept petite female models. If not that, then I'll keep applying for technical writing jobs. Worse comes to worse, I'll sell my screenplay story. I just need the money. That's the only thing preventing me and Adam from living together in a place of our own.

I had a strange dream the other night: I met a girl my age, who was bi, and we ended up having sex at her house. We fell asleep together, and then I got up, left her room, and walked naked into another room that just happened to be Adam's. I curled up in bed with him and we made love. Sometime later, we heard a series of explosions outside. Adam got dressed and went outsdie to check in out. He was gone a long time. So I got dressed and stepped outside the house. It was like the end of the world. It was like the world was dead. The air was dusty red and there was nothing, no people. Adam was gone. I heard a cell phone ringing, and saw one lying on the ground nearby. I picked it up and heard Adam's voice say, "Don't worry. I'll come back for you. Stay where you are. I'll find you. Trust me. I love you."
I sat down on the ground to wait. After a while, I curled up and fell asleep.
I woke up from the dream feeling pretty weirded out. I told Adam about it the following night over the phone. He said it probably had to do with his giving me permission to find a girlfriend till he and I came together, my exploration of new territory; and my seeing him and making love with him was comfort and familiarity and security and love. The end--where he was gone--was my anxiety over losing him, because for me it would be like the end of the world--my world--if I lost him. And his words coming from the phone were reassuring; they meant that no matter what, he would come for me. Like Westley and Buttercup in "The Princess Bride". I cried. Again. Then we had phone sex. I'm feeling much better today.
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Last night, Adam and I talked from midnight to 2 in the morning--he had told me about a dream where it had been the end of the world, and I had shown confidence. Which, basically, would mean the end of the world *laugh* Okay, so I'm shy and too quiet and pretty much lack confidence in anything. Except my writing. I've been writing since I was five, I should be pretty good by now. =p
Naturally, I was crying throughout the talk. We're 300 miles and 8 hours apart, and that little plastic vibrator he bought me isn't much of a substitute. He thought I didn't want the phone sex anymore because it made me feel worse for loneliness and heartache, but he misunderstood. I need that now, more than anything. I need his voice to stimulate me and I need to hear him say he loves me. It was his voice that I fell in love with anyway.
I was crying so hard my nose and eyes were completely clogged and I ran out of tissues and napkins, so I wound up grabbing an old nightshirt and blowing my nose on that. I threw it in the laundry in the morning.
We talked about my confidence problem, how I need to get myself past it. We talked about living for the now instead of the someday. We WILL be together. I'm just confused and impatient and I need his touch. I'm a very physical, sensual person. I need touch. And I don't even have friends who I can hug and cuddle with. That's what hurts the most.

Adam has officially given me permission to not only find a girlfriend, but I could make love with her if I wanted, as long as I shared her with him when he got there. That was the deal. I'm not even bisexual. But Adam's talk of threesomes has made me a little curious. A woman might be an interesting experiment.
But in the end, it's Adam I want, and I hurt so much because of it.

I have never loved someone so much that it has made me cry so hard. And I cry a lot.
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